Sooooooo....things aren't going so well at the moment financially. I bounced a few checks (oops) so now, not only am I in the negatives in the bank, but I'm getting threatening letters from some people saying if I don't contact them and pay w/in 14 days that I'll get turned over to a collection agency........it sucks because I DID send these people checks, and I really don't know how I figured everything out.....cuz when I did the math, it worked out and I had enough money, and now all of a sudden I have like 4 bounced checks. So.....I have no idea what I'll do for the next week till I get my next paycheck.........UGH!

So my BBQ is tomorrow. Jim still is pretty sure he won't be able to come, which still totally bums me. :( But he's making money, and that makes me happy in the long run. I'm gonna have to borrow money from mom to buy stuff I need, since I ended up running out of money! GRRRR! I'm sick of borrowing money! :(

Umm....so I went to Jessica's after work today. Watched "What Not To Wear", "Southpark", and "Who's Line is it Anyway". Ate mint chocolate chip ice cream....talked....good times! We haven't gotten to hang out like that in a while, so it was really nice! Tomorrow we're going for coffee in the morning then she's going to Wal-Mart with me to buy the things I need for the BBQ.

Work was ridiculous today. Jack, one of our kids who is a big crybaby, made a rather crazy request today. See, this kid thinks ice packs solve everything. You tap him, and he wants an ice pack. So, 9 out of 10 times, I tell him he doesn't need one, and tell him to go play. Today, he and Jennifer were fighting so I made them sit in time out cuz they wouldn't listen to me. Well, Jack says "I need an ice pack" ( This is odd because I didn't see Jennifer hit him). I say "Why do you need an ice pack?" and he says "Because Jennifer scribbled on my drawing on the board."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

So yeah.........I found that to be hilarious, and could hardly keep a straight face as I told him no!

Ok, well I have to get up fairly early tomorrow to meet Jess, so I better get going. Good night!

Jamie

So, things are going wonderfully lately!

Finally got ahold of Jim, he called Sunday morning and told me he had two tickets to the NHRA drag races at Gateway. So, I said I'd go. I got dressed, packed some water and my camera, and headed out.

The races were amazing. I really wasn't sure I'd have that much fun, I just wanted to be with Jim....but it ended up being really awesome. It was hot, and I burned pretty badly, but Jim took care of me. He walked me ALL THE WAY back to the car (probably at least a half mile each way) to get more sunscreen, then we ate lunch at Subway and restocked our water supply at the attatched gas station (water was $3 for a small bottle at the track). I wasn't feeling well, probably from the heat, but once we sat a while and I cooled off and took some excedrine for my headache, I felt a lot better.

For those of you who have never experienced a "top fuel" race....HOLY COW.....these cars did a quarter mile in like 4 seconds. It was intense, they were so loud and you actually felt the vibrations as they drove by. It was really cool! I took almost 2 rolls of pictures (didn't have the digital) so we'll see how those turn out.

Anyway, we both got t-shirts, then we stopped at Steak n' Shake for dinner on the way home. We snuggled for a little bit, then he walked me to my car. We kissed, and he thanked me for going, and I thanked him for inviting me, and then I went home.

Monday night I went back over to help him out w/ some stuff, and ended up getting done too late to go to Bible study. Jim quit his job on Friday (FINALLY!!!!!) and it's amazing how his attitude has changed so dramatically now that he's out of there. We actually had really good conversations, and he just seemed happy.....and that, in turn, makes me happy. I called him last night and we actually had a real conversation ON THE PHONE....which seriously never happens. He's determined to make some serious changes in his life, and I'm so proud of him. He's determined to quit smoking. He's already got work lined up until he can get his own business started, and he's actually asking me to help him with his finances. I'm going to stop by the bank and see if I can maybe open up a savings account for him to help him out. So yeah.....just seeing him happy is making me happy!

Right now I'm at school. I met w/ my teacher and it turns out I can actually do 99% of my work for this class at home, which is WONDERFUL, and I discovered a good majority of it is stuff that I've done before, so I should really be able to pick it back up really easily, and get done pretty quickly. WOO!

I didn't go to work today because of *cough* women problems........I was puking and just miserable so I called in. I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours, ate lunch, and when I got to feeling better (other than some cramps) I went out and helped mom do the flowerbed (because I want it to look nice for my BBQ this weekend).

So......I seriously can't even express what a good mood I'm in.....it's wonderful. WONDERFUL!!!

Thank you, God, for helping everything work out!!!

Jamie

EDIT:  I figure if I post a second post for the day, people may not read my first post, so I'm just adding on to my original post :)

Today mom and I put in a new flowerbed. We don't have any money (well, very little anyway) to spend at the moment so we had to dig up some flowers from other places in the yard to transplant into this new flowerbed. So far all we have are some irises (which are done blooming, and the leaves are trimmed, so they're just little green short stubby leaves) and some pinkish-red lily things. We went out tonight and got 3 different colors of these cute daisies and for $8 we got a big assortment of stuff that we'll seperate and plant. It's gonna be so pretty! I think we're getting mulch tomorrow, too, to make it all look nice for my BBQ on Saturday.

Speaking of the BBQ, Jim told me he won't be able to come beacuse he has to work. I understand he needs money....but does he understand how upset I am that he won't be here? Why can't he just save the work for next week? I don't get it....I don't like to be pushy, so I don't try to get him to change his mind, but considering that I helped him out with some stuff on Monday that involved me spending a not-so-small amount of money, I felt like saying "You owe me this" but then I feel bad. (don't worry, it wasn't a HUGE amount, but all I have left will be just enough to get me gas for the next week...I hope). I mean, he said "I owe you"....and yeah, he does.....but I HATE those people who hold things over other people's heads like that....I mean, in all honesty, I don't really care if he never pays me back, because helping him makes me happy, and I know that he would never intentionally screw me over. I trust him 100 times more than I ever trusted Greg....and the difference is that I see what Jim is doing and I feel like I'm really helping him, and he's very greatful....Greg wasn't greatful, and he was just a jerk about everything, and he owes me a lot more money than I loaned Jim. A LOT more.

So yeah, even though things are really good, that one thing bummed me out, that he won't be here on Saturday. I told him to let me know if things change....and I'll just pray that they do, because I REALLY want him here. I know he'll have a good time, and he needs it.

Um.....so yeah, the baby is doing wonderfully! Here's a photo from a couple weeks back!

Sorry it's so big, I don't feel like bothering with shrinking it and re-uploading!

That's all for now, I suppose. I'm attempting to get my computer up and running in the next week here, so I'll be able to get on here and update more often.

God bless!

Jamie

Well, since the last post there's been some good things and some bad things. First of all, Jen's not marrying Cody.....so I'm not losing my nephew! :)

Jim called me on Thursday, I believe. He was very vague. I asked him if everything was ok, and he said yes, but I think it was more of just a cover up. He doesn't like talking about things. Then I told him I had been feeling really paranoid, and that I was afraid things between us were changing, and he didn't really say much. Well, it's now Tuesday morning and I haven't heard from him since that night, five days ago. Last night I cried myself to sleep. It was some pretty serious crying.....my eyes are puffy this morning.

I had a dream about him. In the dream, I was at a restaurant with a bunch of people, including him. He was sitting to the right of the person across from me, and next to me (across from Jim) was this girl Mara that I know from BSF. I'm not a big fan of her.....I mean, everyone thinks she's nice but every time I tried to talk to her she'd be looking around the room like she was bored. SO anyway, I noticed in the dream that she was talking to him a lot, and every time he got up to do something she'd go with him. I finally followed them and I grabbed her by the arm and I dragged her away from him and I got in her face and I said "Look, stay away from him. I've been with him for over a year, he's mine, so you'd better leave me alone. You're a lot smaller than me, so don't think this is an empty threat."'

Heh.

Funny thing is I'm not sure I'd ever do something like that in real life. I'd have to be pretty desperate. Well, she walked off, and I went up to Jim and he was really touched that I cared enough about him to do that, so he put his arm around me and we took a walk, and everything was perfect from there on out.

If only it were that easy. See, I know there's not another girl in the picture......if there was, at least things would make sense....but no, it's just Jim being difficult and confusing and refusing to talk to me about what's going on.

Maybe there's really nothing going on. Sometimes he just doesn't call for a couple days. The only reason I feel as paranoid as I do is beacuse of how he acted while I was over there last weekend. If we'd had a good time together and then he hadn't called me for a week, I wouldn't have gotten upset.

So anyway, on another note, I've missed a lot of class for my summer class, but it looks like my teacher's going to work independently with me on Monday and Wednesday nights to help me get caught up......Oh crap, Monday is Bible study! Hmm.......We'll see what happens, I may just have to start skipping. :(

Oh yeah, Sunday was baby dedication at church so Jen and Cody dedicated Kade. It was so cool, and very emotional!

Anyway I guess I need to go get ready for work. Tomorrow is our Zoo field trip and I asked Kaylan if I could go on this one for sure and she said yes. Blythe and Delaney (my two current favorite children) both asked her if they could be in my group, so we'll see! My job is going swimmingly. I absolutely love it and I love all my coworkers.....I wish I was making enough to support myself because I'd probably never quit!

Peace out!

Jamie

How can everything seem so perfect one moment, and the next I feel depressed and hopeless?

I seriously feel as if my world is falling apart.

Cody and Jen got back together. Not that it's a bad thing in itself...I mean, honestly, I don't think they belong together (not now, anyway). Cody's not the right kind of guy for her. Not to say he couldn't become the right kind, but right now he's not. Anyway, now apparently he's planning on joining the Army. I thought "Good, this will give them some time apart to figure things out." But then I found out that Cody wants Jen to marry him in two weeks (not sure why so soon) and then whenever he gets stationed, he's taking her with him.

When I heard that, I felt like I'd been stabbed. Taking her away means taking Kade away. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. He may not be my child, but it doesn't mean I don't love him like he is. The thought of him being taken away scares the crap out of me. I love him so much. I'm so attatched. Take him away, and I'd feel like my own child was being taken away from me. I don't know how I'd handle it. I just keep praying that Jen doesn't make a stupid decision....I understand her wanting to be with Cody but marrying him just because they have a son is so wrong!

On top of it all, I spent the weekend at Jim's and I might as well have spent it alone. He paid hardly any attention to me for two whole days. The kids came over, and I ended up entertaining Hunter (Gage wasn't feeling well so he slept most of the day) while Jim finished laying some tile, puttied the holes in the wall, caulked, and cleaned. He wouldn't let me do anything to help him, and to be totally honest I was bored to tears. Now it's been three full days since he's even called me (even though I've called him). I seriously am having a really bad feeling about all this. I mean, it's not abnormal to go a few days here and there w/out talking to him, but for some reason things just feel different this time. I left him a message to call me, and told him what I was thinking, so we'll see if he calls. If he doesn't call in the next half hour he probably won't call at all.

I love him so much, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.

On top of all that, I love my job. That's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, except that I am not making enough to support myself on my own, which means in the fall once I'm done school I'll have to quit and get a real job. I LOVE my job. I LOVE those kids. I don't want to leave. If only I could get an AF position or something, but I believe you haev to have a teaching degree to get that. It's salaried, 40 hours a week, and I'd LOVE it......But I just can't handle the school it takes to get there.

I'm really not sure what to do anymore. I'm having a very hard time turning things over to God because that could mean not getting what I want. I want to be with Jim, but if it's not God's will then it means giving him up, and I'm just not ready for that. I honestly don't even pray that much anymore. I mean, I still do for certain things, but when it comes to my future the only prayer I can really seem to get out is "God, please let me be with Jim".

So......anyway, I guess I'll stop whining for now. Tomorrow's another field trip. We're going to Fitz's and I have to be at work at 9am which means leaving at 8. UGH.

CSI is on at 10:30 and it's one I haven't seen, so I won't be getting to bed early.

Tomorrow night's gonna suck.

Jamie

So, A&E (a cable tv channel for those of you who might not know) did a special called "Meth: A County in Crisis".

This in itself may not be all that interesting, except that it's MY county that it was over. Two of the three people who were featured in this special went to high school with me. You would think that all the places with huge drug problems would be in California or big cities like New York.....but here I am in a small mid-western town, and we get chosen as the "county in crisis". The meth problem is THAT big around here. I actually know a guy who's house was raided because the neighbors supposedly smelled something (but it wasn't him, and there was nothing nearby.....maybe the neighbors were stoned?)

There's always AT LEAST one story in each newspaper (which is bi-weekly) regarding a meth lab explosion, a meth lab seizure, or people found posessing meth. There's usually several, actually.

So yeah......it's cool to have your home town put on the map for some kind of famous event or whatever, but living in a town that's only known because of it's rampant drug problem is really sad.

Anyway.....I have lots more to write but I just don't feel like it.

Peace.

Jamie